I could be ...

Someone said to me this week with full excitement, "so that means you could be pregnant right now!!"

I don't know why this statement caught me off guard but it did. Yet she was totally right, I could be!

The thought rolled through my mind all week!

I could be pregnant....
As I drive down this road
As I sit at work
As I drink this decaf coffee (that is not as good as regular)
As I try to stop reading blog posts about IVF or "how to know if" sites
And...
As I sit here writing this post.

It is an interesring mix of emotions living in the moment of could be! And it's hard to stay here, being positive. So quickly it shifts to "what if I am not."
Tomorrow (we hope) to learn the results of our day 10 blood test. Of course, we hope it is positive.

For one more day, I will continue to live in this moment of hope, and in the excitment of "could be."

Two . . .

Trying to remain hopeful, although we learned yesterday that our other four embryos we had at the doctor didn't grow until day six, meaning these couldn't be frozen for later use. (They need to be ready at day 5 for freezing). This was quite disappointing as of course the most expensive cost for IVF is the egg retrieval. 

Still wanting to remain hopeful that we got the best two –  the two that are inside me - It is tough. Of course, their embryo pics looked good! Ha! Anyway, hopefully at least one of these will take. If two, that's a bonus. 

We are both trying not to go into super-skeptical land and worry about what's next. We are bummed that we don't have future eggs to work. In the midst of this, we hold on to hope that the ones we have work, but it is definitely a disappointing development in the whole process - increasing the pressure of wanting these to take. And not helping my paranoia!

I think I need to go shopping to relax! Today is day three of my rest time, I can increase my moment but still need to stay relax - online shopping? I often wonder, "how do I stay relaxed with all these stressful thoughts"... tricky!!

Just sharing some honest thought this morning as it's been rolling around in my mind for the past 24 hours. 

If you are reading this, thanks for your prayers! Pray for our two! And for our hopeful hearts. 

IVF Here We Are

I wanted to wrap all that has happened for the past week into one post. If you are wondering why we have two blogs connected to this, it is because our Josh-n-Jenn site blog is a little more broad. Yes I do talk about issues and what is happening with our IVF process but I figure people looking at this one might 1)be women and 2) be people wanting to know the details about our who Fertility Journey and currently our IVF process. So this blog post is a lot more detailed. 

IVF Begins
We went to the doctor on April 2 for our egg retrial. It was quite the experience. My second experience with going under anesthesia - always an experience. In my druggie stupor we learned that 12 eggs were retrieved - a good number for my add. I was so relieved, worried there would be none. The procedure is a bit more involved and basically it means inflating the ovaries, then pull out fluid and retrieving eggs. :)

For me recovery from this procedure was more challenging that I thought it would be. It actually hurt more than the polpyectomy I had in January. Every thing was inflated and it hurt to move all of Thursday and most of Friday. By Saturday, I was moving better but slow. 
Very weird all around. 

We learned in the 24 hours after the retrieval that 11 of the 12 eggs retrieved were mature and of the 11, six eggs were fertilized (a 55% rate - which is a little low they like to see 60-65% but it was good). For Josh and I were overjoyed to know that the sperm worked!  
Of course, we still were living in a bit of doubt that Josh didn't have anything! We have only had two test so far, one that said "there is nothing" and another that said "there is something but it is a bit slow and light on count". 

Anyway! For the rest of the weekend. We celebrated that fact that we have embryos!!

IVF Part 2
In preparation for the embryo transfer, Josh has to give me progesterone shots every morning  - fun times (not really!) This of course is making my body really think about pregnancy and the related side effects of that! 

On April 7 (hopefully lucky #7) we went in for the embryo transfer. This time no aanesthesia just a little valium to make me relax. We got to see the doctor place two embryos into my uterus. Placing two was recommended and just gives a better chance all along. The goal is one successful pregnancy with two we have a 25% chance of having twins - which could be fun. But our hope it that at least one of the embryos attaches to the uterine wall and we go from there. 

Waiting
Now we enter the wait, relax and hope for pregnancy stage. We will find out in about a week if it all worked. I am trying to not overthink the what ifs at the moment but it is impossible. 

Picking Up Sticks

We continue our journey this week getting a little closer to our official first procedure. Still in the midst of details, we are now using that box of medications that I posted a picture of last time.  

It is kind of like a morning science project at our house, mixing up the needed and prescribed medication to encourage my insides to generate what's needed for the first procedure. (In case you're wondering - currently I am on lots of Bravelle and Menopur.)  Josh is my medicine tech as he feels this is another way he can be part of the process (as much of this journey is happening in and to me). I love that he is doing this!

This week has been a busy week of appointments as the doctor continues to check my hormone levels every other day. Depending on the results, they will let us know if we are on track to continue medication or increase it.  As of today, we are doing good but now need to increase my dosage. We hope the first IVF procedure will happen sometime next week.

Surprisingly, the medications haven't effected my emotions as much as I expected. The main effect has been super-monster headaches. It feels like my head is about to explode! I sit in meetings as work thinking, "ahh, my head!!" which is probably not helpful! Ha!

This week, the doc will continue to track process to let us know when my estrogen levels are ideal. When everything inside is also looking good, we'll schedule the egg retrieval procedure. 

Through this sticking process, I am gaining much more sympathy for people who have to take shots everyday as my stomach is quickly becoming filled with bruises and prick marks. Ugh and Ouch!

We continue to walk through each day remaining hopeful. Even in the weird times it is good to be moving forward. We are thankful to be here. We are thankful for science and just how amazing it is that people can even have babies! It is so detailed and precise I wonder how this happens naturally! Our God is truly and amazing creator! 

Boxes, Papers and Medications

Last week, we received our huge expensive box filled with prescriptions. Necessary items that will help us prepare for the official IVF procedure. Each medicine has it's own job and the timing and "how to's" for each one is different.

I was in a bit of information overload on Monday as they explained each item in the box.

While I typically prefer to be a bit more vague, I suspect it helps people looking into IVF to know more details. I have one drug that I take as a shot every morning that helps keep me from ovulating at the wrong time, that way I can be on right time-table needed for both me and the doctor.

Additionally, Josh and I both have to take medications that help us both be healthier for the whole process. We have become pill popping buddies! A new experience for us! Haha! I am also on prenatal vitamins and birth control (I know that makes no sense but it helps with timing).

For the first part of this, the medications haven't made me feel crazy - I suspect the more emotional medications will begin next week as the real inside prep and hormone boosting drugs begin.

We will see.

Preseason Prep for Our Journey

This week we officially switched the light to green, all systems go.

During the month of March 2015, we are beginning many medications and tests that will get us ready for the IVF process. We may not share the official days and times on this site as it is still a personal journey we are on - and sometimes having all the specifics posted can create more stress and expectation for both us and others.

As we walk through this, we are trying to relax, trust God and continue to fill up our hope tank!
We ask for your prayers and continued support as we move forward. Learn more about our whole journey on our other website Josh-n-Jenn.com (in case you found this blog and want to know more)

Just wanted to post officially on this blog - IT'S GO TIME!

What To Do About Polyps?

Feeling a little drowsy still after spending a few days recovering from a minor surgery to remove some polyps from my Uterus. Yep, not your typical surgery but one that is needed for me (and us) to keep moving forward with our decision to do IVF this year.

It still doesn't really seem like this is happening! Are we really doing this! Yikes!

This week, I had three polyps removed as these kinds of things can get in the way when doing the IVF procedure and the doctors don't want anything causing trouble with the implanting process. 

This is the first time, that I remember, having to go under for a surgery. Such a weird process to wake up knowing people had been doing stuff inside you. Very weird. 

Overall the surgery went well with no complications. So thankful for a God who protects and heals in the most intricate ways.

We continue to hope as we look forward and are glad to have one more thing marked off the list of "to dos".

Return & Forward

July of 2014 was a whole ball of feelings. After a year of caring for Adam, as temporary guardians, we returned to Missouri to leave him in the care of his mom. This was a heartbreaking transition as our hearts expanded in so many ways during the 2013-2014 school year and we learned what it meant to parent a teenager and see God's love in a whole other way. At the same time, we couldn't keep Adam as the whole agreement was temporary. What a hard mix of feelings to see the events play out.

While Adam, isn't our biological son, he became very much of our family during the year and sending him "home" was one of the hardest, most gut-wrenching experienced we have faced as a couple.

In the midst of feeling this major loss, we could still see our fertility journey waiting for us. We had been filled with hope, just a few weeks before Adam came to our Nevada home. Not wanting to wait a moment longer (and realizing we weren't getting any younger). We scheduled an appointment with the fertility doctor the week after we returned from Missouri.

On July 9, 2015, we sat across from our doctor and talked about all the angles and options that sat before us. We sought to better understand what In Vitro (IVF) would look like and if it was for us.
This was not something we actually had considered before - so there was much to consider.

We left the doctors office and had many, many conversations as a couple. We took a few more months to weigh the costs and risks and decided officially to continue pursuing IVF.
Throughout the fall of 2014, we worked on building our savings, and getting our lives prepped a little more for the next part of this crazy and weird adventure.

Distractions & Additions of Guardianship

It's Official: Our Family Is Expanding-- in a way that came as a BIG surprise.

Last week, my uncle in Missouri called and asked if we would consider letting my second cousin, Adam, who is 12 (turning 13 in November)  come live with us. Based on his current living situation my uncle has watched the hope fade from Adam's life. Because of this less than positive impact and chaotic living situation my uncle could see unfolding yet again in Adam's life, my Uncle shared that wanted to provide an option to his daughter (my cousin) for her son -- that option was us.  He hoped to talk to Adam's mother about the whole thing that week but wanted to see if we would be willing before saying or doing anything! Josh and I spent the evening and next day praying over this and decided, we were in.

Hope is something we are always looking toward! And what an opportunity to share hope with a young man seeking this so greatly! We moved forward thinking "we're willing but what are the odds of the mom wanting to do this and the 12-year-old son also wanting to do this. I mean Nevada is pretty far away from Missouri."

Less than 12 hours later we got a call.
We had an emotional conversation but...
Mom wants to do it.
Adam wants to come live with you.
It's a go.

Wow! This is really happening.
Over the weekend we spent time video chatting with Adam. As we got to know him even a little over the computer - it was clear he is looking for hope. He wants to climb a mountain (which works out since we live in the mountains) and is eager for people see him, and care for him in a new way. (His mother was pretty overwhelmed and his biological father was just sent to prison.)

By the end of Labor Day weekend 2013,  plane tickets were purchased and everyone agreed this would be an incredible opportunity for Adam at a crucial age.

So here we are, less than 5 days later, and I admit Josh and I are freaking out! As of September 28 we will be guardians (till at least the end of the school year) of a 12/13 year old!

As I sat outside tonight praying - "Lord I'm not ready!" I felt His comfort surround me saying - "yes you are! I've been preparing you."

I'm leaning into that still small voice! And am encouraged by a scripture that has been following us around all summer: "Be Strong and courageous, do not be afraid,  for the Lord Your God is with you where ever you go!"  - Joshua 1:9

Our family is growing.
It's exciting yet terrifying to be where we are at this moment. We've dreamed about how our family would grow for years and what that would look like,  and yes this is a different angle than I expected. But here we go. Let the adventure begin, we're starting with a preteen!

Renewed Hope with Unexpected Recovery

Talking about SHOCKING NEWS! Here's the latest ...

During the past few weeks we visited a new fertility doctor in Reno, NV. Doctor Scott Whitten. He encouraged us to have many tests done again (since it had been more than 5 years) to just see if Josh had had any recovery. While it would be very unlikely it wouldn't hurt to try before we started investigating IUI or using donor sperm.

We all (even the doctor) were amazing and shocked to learn that Josh had recovery. Not only did he have active sperm but in fact there are enough of these little guys for us to move forward with some options. We believe, this is a story of healing.

Between 2007 and 2008, we were told that Josh was sterile, because of the amount of chemicals he had pour into his body during two bouts with cancer (age 15 and age 25), it would be very unlikely that he would ever have "stuff to work with" for growing our family biologically.

What an exhilarating feeling to be listening to a doctor in Reno, NV (who would have thought Nevada?)  - sharing with us that there is hope and healing.

The next part is what do we do now. Dr. Whitten shared while there is not much stuff, it would be possible to pursue In Vitro Fertilization using my (Jenn's) egg and Josh's sperm so we could potentially have children using our very own DNA. This is a new dream that we actually had thought was dead.

We are once again filled with HOPE as God as restored in a way only he can.  What's next? We will see, but for now many more options have opened up to us.

Lost in our Minds

Figured it'd be good to post an update...We finalized all our initial paperwork with a local private organization but have since had a slight change of thought/heart. Thinking now about going through social services, which would cost very little compared to the thousands it will cost to go through a more private agency.

We also have been praying lots about whether this is God's plan for us. Is adoption something God really wants for us or just something we want. Logically it makes sense to have a family, to love on needy children, etc. but when it comes down to it, has God set us apart of something else? We don't know exactly. So that has been our continued prayer for the past couple months. "God we love the idea of children and think we'd be good parents but is that really what you want for us? Would you rather have us serve on the other side of the world in a place that would be hard for kids? Lord, give us wisdom"

We've been on this kid-seeking journey now for about 5 years (having been married for 10 in May). And it has not been smooth or easy which makes wonder. So far I don't think we've really gotten clarity on our big question but it has become more and more clear that the need for adoptive parents through the local social services or foster to adopt system is great.

I still wonder in the end of all this, what our family will look like. And still, even through the ups and downs we trust His soverignity and keep moving forward.

New Year Renewed Hope

It is now way beyond New Year wishes--as it is February. However, we are still dreaming of new year's plans and setting 2012 goals.

We finished off 2011 by submitting most of our adoption paperwork (still working on that crazy photo book!--and we are creatives who love taking photos--it's ridiculous I know).

Our full batch of paperwork included a ridiculous amount of essays questions on why we think we'd be good parents, and what we think are the biggest problems of children today and in the future, a full listing of our debts (yikes), medical history, bank verification, and employer references, to name a few.

It was great to officially deliver the majority paperwork to actually the wrong office in Roanoke, but it got sent on to the right one anyway. During our brief "review of the paperwork meeting"

I mentioned that getting the paperwork finished was a task, to which the case worker responded, "that is the easy part". I then asked, "what's the difficult part?" She responded? "The waiting." I didn't really respond but wanted to say, "but we've already been waiting, what's new?"

After the "big delivery" I checked back a couple weeks later to find out that we needed to mail off more forms and money, including a $100 money order to help process our finger prints (you know to make sure we are not criminals). We are now waiting on the results to come back. (Should be okay I think) Our next step will include scheduling an official first interview with the caseworker and scheduling our home study.

As aways, the adoption process is an interesting one. We have found encouragement in so many ways. It has been humbling as friends have offered their financial and prayer support when we least expected it and needed it most. There are days when their hope keeps me hoping. Of course, there are also times when I wonder if other people want us to have a baby more than we do. (Okay that sounds weird I know but I don't know how else to say it.) Yes, we want kids to raise, nurture, and love as part of our family but God has also blessed us with an incredible marriage and we love that too.

So as the new year kicks off (yes it is still kicking off) we are excited and anxious to see what 2012 will bring. In the process, I know my faith in God and many others around me will find new meaning.

In a year from now??????

So last night we had a time of testimonies at church about what the Lord has done for us, etc.
And I could help but look at the last year and see how God has provided so much. In the midst of this I wonder, what will our lives look like in a year from now? Will there be a child is a part of our family? Thinking about it makes me both nervous and excited. Adoption is odd in this way because you don't really have nine months to prepare...really you don't know how long you have...

Our adoption paperwork says something like this "if it has been more than a year you will want to meet with your caseworker to discuss your situation" So does this mean in less than a year we will have a child in our arms? Such an interesting time of trusting, hoping and much more.

Homestudy: Wow! That's a lot of paperwork

Today, after a few days of anticipation, as I knew the homestudy packet was coming, we got our home study packet in the mail! And WOW! Just looking at it is overwhelming...fingerprinting, psych evaluation (Hmm that one might be tricky!), and pretty much everything you would ever want to know about us, our home, our family, our work, etc... I'm thinking 100 pages worth of stuff to fill out! Do people having their own kids have this much paperwork? Are they evaluated THAT much?

I guess in a way it is fun to have a "project" but I wish it would magically fill itself out. And in this crazy age of technology I pretty much type everything. Can I (we) really write out 100 pages worth of stuff?!

It would be easy to just not do it and keep moving on with our busy lives. I told Josh we needed a vacation just to fill it out! So in a way, filling this out really means, we are in.. moving foward...we are adopting...we are giving up our free-spirited lives...(sort of)...we are a little more eager and hopeful.

I guess really paperwork is much easier than pregnancy right--in a weird way yes, and yet in a weird way no. Okay, either way!

Yeah for homestudy paperwork!

Oh and we are still finding pictures for our photobook--we have started it and found some good pictures! Weekend goal--finish the photobook!

Working on photobooks

So yes, it has been a few days and no the photo book is not done! It seems to be more work that I thought. It should be easy but we are looking through hundreds of photos on our computer for of course the best ones!

I did talk with the adoption agency at the end of last week and they are sending us our homestudy paperwork. Yea! I'm eager to get started on that!

Both Josh and I have been excited and hopeful about what is next. Course it still seems odd to talk about it but we are getting braver and braver.. Who knows maybe this blog will actually be sent to friends and family.

I think we are both cautiously optimistic... I actually went to his local kids sale at a nearby church and picked up a few fun baby items...just for fun. At first it was really weird being at the sale and of course I ran to a ton of people who looked at me like "why are you here...?" I almost left but instead settled into buying a few fun items that at the worst could be sold again and at best... used by a baby at our house....fun and scary times....

NEED A PHOTOBOOK!

Well so today caught me by surprise, not sure why it should be because we started this process and knew something would happen...anyway got a call from the agency we are working with and the lady said, do you have a photobook ready? I said, umm no we are working on one but don't have it ready yet. She said you probably need to work on it cause I have several birth mothers ready but don't any families. So if you can get that photobook ready as soon as possible that would be good!

Yikes! How exciting and scary all at the same time! Heading home now from work to work on our first photobook!

New House with swings

Today, we moved into a new house that has lots of space (4 bed, 3.5 bath) and a perfect area for kids with a great yard, playhouse, swing set and a porch swing. It is incredible. As I sat out on the porch swing I thought about what it would be like to have as child in my arms in our new home.

I shared this news with Josh, my husband, and found out he had been thinking about similar things in our new home. It's funny, it seems our new home is aching almost as much as we are for children.

The home is an amazing provision of God and came about in a surprising way. We will see what surprises God has next.

Did our application go into space, maybe we're just impatient

Okay so it's been a few days and we haven't heard yes or no about the application being received. Did we put the right address on it? Should I call and check? I'm going to....byb........

I called but just got a voicemail. Maybe I'm impatient. It's not that my mind has been consumed by wondering but still I figured I'd write up a quick blog to say...I'm wondering... and that I bet many others who are in this process can identify with this curious time of waiting a little bit more.

Just think, this is just the beginning (or end depending on how you look at it) of waiting. How long will it be until we add to our family? God has a plan and it is in his perfect timing. How exciting is that--it is great to know that God is completely in control of this process...of how long it will take, of who the child and mother are, and so many other details that I don't even understand.

Course now that I'm looking at the calendar, it really hasn't been that long.

God is good.

Sent in Paperwork

Today was an exciting day for us. We officially began what I think of as "Step 1b" in the process of adoption. (Step 1a was selecting an agency: Commonwealth Catholic Charities of Virginia)

We, of course, meant to mail in the app all week but by the time we filled out the paperwork, found stamps, made sure we had money in the bank so the application fee ($200) would clear--it was Saturday.

To make sure it went out fastest we drove to the neighboring town to their post office. Course we took pics of us mailing the paperwork with goofy grins on our faces. :) But it is now mailed! Step 1 is all complete, now we will wait to see if they get it.

Filling out even the application paperwork makes you think. Questions like: what race, what gender, would you take a child with a handicap, would you take a child with a correctable handicap, would you accept a special needs child...How do you truly answer these questions? Especially when there are so many children who need love. On many of the "option" questions it was yes or no so we put a maybe line and checked that one. (Ha, Ha aren't we cleaver). We are aiming for a newborn adoption but said we take up to 3 years old and siblings.

But the big bonus question that really had to be wordsmithed: Why do you want to adopt?

We didn't have to think that much, and wrote something like this
"We've always dreamed about having a family and at this point naturally it is not possible sand we believe adoption is good and desireable option for us. We love children and hope to provide a loving home for a child in need." Course it seems as soon as it is written on paper it looks extra cheesy. My hope is that the person reading it won't think it is cheesy but sincere.

Today our prayer is that God will guide this process on to the next step.

What an exciting day! Now we need to get to work on our photobook as we wait to be "accepted"

Philippines, No --Catholic Charities Potential

Yes, it has been a while, nearly a year really, since we last attempted an IUI. Since then we have moved to Virginia. Where we are settling in just enough to move again to our very own house at the end of this month. Our new home will give us a few extra bedrooms and bathrooms and even a playset--that we hope will be filled with the laughter of children (ideally our own) in the future.

Since moving here, I've met with an OB and talked about local fertility specialist but haven't pursued it much further. Instead we have set our eyes on adoption. We talked with one organization about adopting from the Philippines but were told quickly "no." The conversation basically ended like this: "I am afraid that a history of your husband having had Cancer even in remission for 7 years disqualifies you for the Philippines Adoption Program." Boo! for cancer!

On the heels of that disappointment, we did find out about an organization called Catholic Charities. And I am excited to say, the conversation went well. We called and are now officially beginning our application paperwork for a domestic newborn adoption. Right now we aren't thinking foster to adopt but we are still leaving that door open a little.